Essay 3.2 Divorce: Turning Lemons into Lemonade

Every year since I was three, I got to rip open presents under the Christmas tree and dump out my stocking to see all of the candy and nail polish twice, at two different houses. Compared to my friends, I received double the presents and seemed quite spoiled. But, really this was only due to the fact that my parents were divorced. Christmas and Easter morning seemed that much more exciting because when my little half-sister was done opening presents, I would go over my Dad’s house and open another set of gifts from Santa or another Easter basket from the Easter bunny. I would often ask Mom and Dad for the same items, for example I had two “Baby Born” dolls and was envied by all of my friends. It might sound as if I was quite the manipulator, but hey, might as well milk it for what it was worth. Divorce is known to have a negative impact on children and my parents knew this; they wanted me to be happy in this less than optimal situation. Divorce has played such a major role in my life; I am a product of divorce.

My parents divorced in 1994, when I was only three. My mom, the hair salon owner, explained it to me as “Daddy likes to play golf and mommy likes to cut hair.” This simple explanation was enough to satisfy my questions on why we were moving in to our own apartment. My mom always talked me through any concerns I had and made it somewhat of a positive situation. I would ask the occasional question on when I was going to see my Dad, but I never was distressed or truly concerned with the situation. It was just something I grew up with.

Divorce is becoming more and more popular. According to Divorce Statistics, about 50% of marriages will end up in divorce. They also state that 40% of divorces involve children. (Divorce Statistics). My health teacher also mentioned that often couples will separate but not go through with all of the hassles of a legal divorce; so this number could be even higher that we think. But, this statistic shows divorce is a major issue and concern in our nation and will affect many children.

Many couples will try to stick it out and stay together for the kids, but I think this often causes more stress because the children are forced to witness arguments and tension within the marriage. According to Christina McGhee, an author and speaker on divorce and educating parents, “One of parent’s greatest concerns is how divorce will affect their children.” (Divorce and Children). When children are involved, it will often ultimately affect whether or not the couple will separate. My parents have both told me that they didn’t want to put me through the stress of their differences. So, my parents had a different view than most couples do, they thought the divorce would be better in the long run.

For me, my parents were very friendly and communicated with each other almost everyday. They made decisions together and both talked to me about the separation very often. I also think the reason I think I “turned out fine” was because my parents didn’t have a “nasty” divorce at all. It was a mutual decision that they thought would be most beneficial for me.

I never asked the devastating question, “was this my fault?” my parents always reinforced that it had nothing to do with me and kind of made it seem like not a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen first hand in my friends how much of a challenge it can be to cope with parents’ divorce. In an article titled “The Effects of Divorce on Children”, Lesley Foulkes-Jamison, Ph.D discusses the different cognitive abilities of children at different ages and how they react to divorces at different stages of life. She states, “Parents' sensitivity to their child's needs is one of the most important factors in facilitating adjustment. Other factors such as the child's age, gender and temperament will also influence how well the child adjusts” (Foulkes-Jamison, p. 2). My parents knew how tough this could be on me and gave me a lot of support. I just grew up with the mentality that they just weren’t meant for each other. I think that if it’s truly not going to work out divorce can be the best option if support and a lot of communication are given to the children.

Although I didn’t really struggle with my parents’ divorce, some aspects of it still affected me. When I was 5 or 6 my mom was dating my now stepfather. He was also divorced and had two daughters. My mom decided that it would be great to meet them because we were all within two years of each other. But the thing was, up to that point I was an only child; I received all of my parent’s attention and was basically spoiled rotten. So, when my stepsisters came over for the first time my mom suggested I go show them my room. When they started touching my Pink Barbie Dreamhouse and all of my perfectly dressed dolls, I threw a temper tantrum and had a total meltdown. I think I realized that these weren’t just friends coming over to play, but they were girls who my Mom seemed to truly care about. I was definitely jealous and not a good sharer. My mom then took control and calmed me down. She made me realize how cool it would be to have new sisters, or at that point, just new friends. This was definitely an obstacle I had to overcome. Now looking back, my stepsisters are basically my real sisters. I think this is evidence that yes, some things did affect me but I was able to adjust. I think most kids can adjust to these changes and grow into healthy adults with the proper support.

Both of my parents remarried which means I got double the parents, double the grandparents and double the aunts and uncles. In The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, Brian Higginbotham, Linda Skogrand, and Eliza Torres published a journal titled: Stepfamily Education: Perceived Benefits for Children. This study looked at step families and the effects they have on the children and the marriage. The researchers state, “The presence of children from a previous relationship makes new family relationships more complex.” (Stepfamily Education). When I reacted negatively to my future stepsisters it truly worried my Mom. She didn’t know if her remarrying was selfish and it affected the course of her and my stepfather’s relationship. Now looking back, I definitely warmed up to the situation after a few weeks because of the way my mom handled this hurdle. I think when parents don’t acknowledge the child’s potential troubles with these changes and don’t address them, that’s when emotional problems can arise.

But now, as an ‘adult’, I think my parent’s divorce definitely turned out for the best. Instead of seeing one suffering marriage, I saw two successful marriages. I also got two new stepparents, which I consider my real parents. Out of this situation I also got a total of four sisters (two step and two half) who are all my best friends. I would argue that if done in the right way, and with a lot of support and communication, divorce can be the best option for a failing marriage. I think my parents handled this situation the best way they could, which caused me to come out of it believing in marriage and relationships with no emotional problems from the divorce. Not only did I receive double the presents on holidays, I also got double the family and double the love.



Works Cited

Divorce Statistics. Divorce Magazine. Web. 13 April 2010.

Foulkes-Jamison, Lesely. “Effects of Divorce on Children.” Gainesville Family Magazine. 1 Jan. 2001. Web. 13 April 2010.

Higginbotham, Brian, Linda Skogrand and Eliza Torres. “Stepfamily Education: Perceived Benefits for Children”. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage 3:51 (2010). 36-49, Web. 13 April 2010.

McGhee, Christina. Divorce and Children. 2009. Web. 14 April 2010.