In third grade at the tender age of 7, I began attending St. John’s Catholic School. I instantly clicked with a group of four girls and we were soon known as the “Fab 5”. Then came the weekend that I had been awaiting, my turn to have the group over for the first fun-filled sleepover at my house. My new friends seemed confused by my family situation; they asked me about my parents and why I have a step-dad. I told them simply, “My parents are divorced”. I received a look of sorrow, sympathy, and compassion all wrapped up in one from all four girls (all with married parents). They all came close and rubbed my back and said, “Oh, we’re so sorry. Are you okay?” I felt as if I had just revealed that I had been living with a life-threatening illness. Divorce is not a death sentence to the children involved and doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Not only did I turn out fine, in a way I’m glad my parents got divorced.
Normally when people who didn’t experience divorce think about it, they picture scenarios that we see in the media. They often think of children being torn between parents, parents fighting for custody and arguing constantly. “Mrs. Doubtfire” is a great illustration of this stigma of divorce in the media. In this movie the parents went through a nasty divorce with a competition for love of the children. The father was limited to see his children only once a week and argued with his ex-wife about everything. You could see through the kid’s rebellious behavior and outright unhappiness that this was a very stressful situation. Yes, this is an extreme example in the media; but I think it’s avoidable.
Divorce is becoming more and more popular. According to “Divorce Statistics” , about 50% of marriages will end up in divorce, and of these 40% of divorces involve children. (Divorce Magazine) My health teacher also mentioned that often couples would separate but not go through with all of the hassles of a legal divorce; so this number could be even higher than we think. These statistics show that divorce is a major issue and concern in our nation and will affect many children.
My parents divorced in 1994, when I was only three. My mom, the hair salon owner, explained it to me as “Daddy likes to play golf and mommy likes to cut hair.” This simple explanation was enough to satisfy my questions on why we were moving in to our own apartment. My mom always talked me through any concerns I had and made it somewhat of a positive situation. I would ask the occasional question on when I was going to see my Dad, but I never was distressed or truly concerned with the change. It was just something I grew up with.
Many couples who are having troubles in their marriage will try to stick it out and stay together for the kids, but I think this often causes more stress because the children are forced to witness arguments and tension within the marriage. According to Christina McGhee, an author and speaker on divorce and educating parents, “One of parents’ greatest concerns is how divorce will affect their children.” (McGee, par. 2) When children are involved, it can affect whether or not the couple will separate. My parents have both told me that they didn’t want to put me through the stress of their differences. My parents knew it would be easier on me if they were friendly and cooperative. They communicated with each other almost every day; they both wanted to play a normal parent role in my life. They made decisions together and both talked to me about the separation very often, asking me how I was doing with the change and always offering to answer any questions I had. Whereas most parents have the mentality that a divorce would hinder the child’s future, my parents believed that it would be best for me in the long run.
I never asked the devastating question, “was this my fault?” Feeling guilty as the child is a common response; many children can feel as if they caused their parents to fight and not be happy. My parents always reinforced that it had nothing to do with me and kind of made it seem like not a big deal. In an article titled “The Effects of Divorce on Children”, Lesley Foulkes-Jamison states, “Parents' sensitivity to their child's needs is one of the most important factors in facilitating adjustment.” (Foulkes-Jamison, par 2) My parents knew how tough this could potentially be on me and gave me a lot of support. I grew up with the mentality that they just weren’t meant for each other and were better off as friends. I now believe that if there’s no hope for the marriage, divorce can be the best option if support and a lot of communication are given to the children.
Although I didn’t really struggle with my parents’ divorce, some aspects of it still affected me. When I was 5 or 6 my mom was dating my current stepfather. He was also divorced and had two daughters. My mom decided that it would be great to meet them because we were all within two years of each other. But the thing was, up to that point I was an only child; I received all of my parent’s attention and was basically spoiled rotten. So, when my (now) stepsisters came over for the first time my mom suggested I go show them my room. When they started touching my Pink Barbie Dreamhouse and all of my perfectly dressed dolls, I yelled in my angry high-pitched voice, “Don’t touch those! You’re messing everything up!” Not only was I a bad sharer, I think I realized that these weren’t just friends coming over to play, but they were girls who my Mom seemed to truly care about. My mom calmed me down and she made me realize how cool it would be to have new sisters, or at that point, just new friends. My temper tantrum was definitely an obstacle I had to overcome. Now looking back, my stepsisters are basically my real sisters. This negative reaction to new girls in my life is not that strange and is actually quite normal. Most children go through a time of learning how to share and even feeling threatened by family friends’ children. Just because it was the daughters of the new man my mother was dating, it truly worried her. But, I think I would have had this reaction with any strangers. However, I think this is evidence that yes, some things did affect me but I was able to adjust. I think most kids can adjust to these changes and grow into healthy adults with the proper support and acknowledgement of the less than optimal situation.
A few years after the divorce, both of my parents remarried which means I got double the parents, double the grandparents and double the aunts and uncles. In The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, Brian Higginbotham, Linda Skogrand, and Eliza Torres published an article titled “Stepfamily Education: Perceived Benefits for Children”. This study looked at stepfamilies and the effects they have on the children and the marriage. The researchers state, “The presence of children from a previous relationship makes new family relationships more complex.” (Higginbotham, Skogrand, and Torres 1) When I reacted negatively to my future stepsisters it truly worried my Mom. She didn’t know if her remarrying was selfish and it affected the course of her and my stepfather’s relationship. Now looking back, I definitely warmed up to the situation after a few weeks because of the way my mom comforted me and seemed to truly understand my concerns. I think when parents don’t acknowledge the child’s potential troubles that come with these changes and don’t address them, that’s when emotional problems can arise.
On the other end of the spectrum, my best friend Celia is 20 and her parents recently divorced. Her and her siblings didn’t take it so well. I think that this was because her parents assumed they were all old enough to deal with the situation. She didn’t get the support I grew up with and now as an adult has to deal with much harder issues. My parents never “trash-talked” each other because they were very civil and of course, because I was only three. She gets to hear all of the actual fighting and knows so much more about the divorce than I did when I was an oblivious 3-year-old. I think divorce will be tough for most kids, no matter the age, but the stress can be relieved with help and understanding.
The support I received was make-or-break for my future. Now as an ‘adult’, I think my parent’s divorce definitely turned out for the best. Instead of seeing one suffering marriage, I saw two successful marriages. I consider my stepparents just like my real parents. Now, I also have a total of four sisters (two step and two half) who are all my best friends. I would argue that if done in the right way, and with a lot of support and communication, divorce can be the best option for a failing marriage. I think my parents handled this situation the best way they could, which caused me to come out of it believing in marriage and relationships. Not only did I receive double the presents on holidays and get to go on two vacations a summer, I also got double the family and double the love.
Works Cited
“Divorce Statistics”. DivorceStatistics.com. Divorce Magazine. n.d. Web. 13 April 2010.
Foulkes-Jamison, Lesley. “Effects of Divorce on Children.” Gainesville Family Magazine. 1 Jan. 2001. Web. 13 April 2010.
Higginbotham, Brian, Linda Skogrand and Eliza Torres. “Stepfamily Education: Perceived Benefits for Children”. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage 3:51 (2010). 36-49, Web. 13 April 2010.
McGhee, Christina. DivorceandChildren.com. Divorce and Children. 2009. Web. 14 April 2010.
Outstanding revision, Danielle. Throughout the semester, you've shown admirable discipline, determination, and creativity with your writing (love the graphics!). In fact, I encourage you to submit this essay to Write On! and e-Vision (jmu.edu/writeon and jmu.edu/evision). And you'd be a great Writing minor. Keep it up!
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